May 11th, 2005
Well what can I say about yesterday - we both became emotional.. He read what I wrote yesterday. I felt that was easier then start talking.. Then we just hugged and kissed each other.. I went back to him after I had picked up the girls, we had amazing sex before we fell asleep.. Everything just felt so natural again.. I don't know - we agreed on thinking things over a couple of days. The only thing I am sure of is that I am gonna go on that date tomorrow.
I have really no idea of what is gonna happen or what I even want.. On the one side I think that if we go back together I really think it will be different this time.. we have had some time apart, we know what was the main problem last time.. What I mean is that it might actually work out.. But on the other side I agree with what Rolf said - it would hurt even more if it don't work out..and we have to go through that whole situation again.. + maybe we just get driven away with the hope of it working out. Don't know don't know don't know..
Anyway I'm glad I told him how I feel, I feel relaxed now.. I think this is gonna be a good day :)
Current Mood: cheerful
May 10th, 2005
Everything is a mess!! The ED is worse than ever and talking to Rolf is what is on my mind riht now. Called him yesterday to ask if he could think about us and what he feels and wants (I'm having a date on Thursday), he just got this rejecting tone in his voice, my tears streamed down my face after we hung up. I miss him I miss hims I miss him sooo much.
My feelings tells me I still wanna be with him, no doubt!! But my common sense and head tells me the opposite - which I know is right. I've been thinking that thought so many times "what if we got back together" and I know the answer too well (even that hurts, just thinking). We would be back to were I was (and am), give so much still be in love - and he will be were he was (the main reason why we broke up). I'm not sure what I'm gonna tell him tonight, I've been pushing all this feeling away for so long now, why tell him now?? If it was up to me I would be back togheter IF things were like they used to be, I know that is stupid to think, but I would be willing to change (e.g not talk to him about the ed - Sondre/Ragna) but I know he isen't, and he will never be - at least not for me, in that way that we know each other too well and those feelings he once had is gone. Take the incident with Anette.
Gotta go - Silje called, I'm gonna go over ther before I talk to Rolf.
April 4th, 2005
Yesterday was the worst day I've had so far in my life. I won't go in detail.. went to Silje, but didn't really talk to her, she just tried to comfort me. Then Rolf came back from poker and he said I could come over if I wanted to talk - so I did. That was the worst idea ever!! He was mad from the minute I came, then I lost my power to speak, I just sat there crying - feeling I was ripping apart - and he just sat there. All I wanted was I hug and him telling me "everything is gonna be fine". But instead we started arguing, he was so irritated and I so upset. I have never felt anything like that. I asked if I could stay over on the couch, he fell asleep and I was lying there feeling the pain the ed has put on me. I didn't know a person could have that many tears inside. Unbelievable.
I didn't go to my first class. Still upset. I'm not gonna lie to myself - I miss him.
This week will get better then the last one. I have to move on.
Current Mood: rejected
March 24th, 2005
OMG what have I done to my self, soul and body?? I can't stop crying.. I'm sooo angry at me self, for letting my bulimia go this far.. I have such a good life with loving friends and family that I know is gonna be there for me no matter what, but I keep ruining it with me stupid ED.. I'm 18 I should be enjoying life, I'm at a healthy weight, so why can't I get out of this??!
I told Rolf about my situation (the heart and blood) on Monday, so finally he started to check out some.. But I know him too well that if I don't mention this in a while nothing will happen..
I realized today that I really gotta tell my mom *tears*
It's just me and my mom home (it's Easter and dad and my sisters are at the cabin, mom and I had to work) so today we are going to eat dinner at grandma and grandpa, something I'm NOT looking forward to :( Cuz that means desert and cookies as well.. Well my day has been shitty already, got up and basically started binge on cereal, then some chocolate (then I had "a good reason to purge").. Then I called Rolf to ask if he was home so I could come over with the keys, which he wasen't.. Well we hung up and the tears came up again.. Then I wrote him this long message, without really knowing why..
Current Mood: depressed
March 13th, 2005
I spent the whole Saturday evening and night at the hospital.. (I've been having chest pains for over a week now..) Anyways they didn't find anything, so if it continues I have to come back next week :( Well I just came from poker with the guys, I was not in the mood at all..so I left to Julie instead..on my way I stopped and bought candy and snacks to binge on - what the hell?! Then I went to Rolf's apartment (he is still playing and I'm gonna pick him up later) to purge - but then the stupid chest pain gets pretty bad..so here I am. (I can't purge with the pain..) Grrr I hate this feeling more then anything.. binging without purging.. I'm gonna drink some water and hopefully it will give in a little bit.. :(
Current Mood: full
March 9th, 2005
|11:09 pm - everything is wrong|
What the hell is wrong with me lately - I'm being so fucking depressed.. I feel so lonely and sad. I miss Silje.
Is recovery the right thing?? Yes of course I know it's, the problem is that I've been working to wards recovery even before I really started me ED (you might ask how that is possible) but it's just being going one way..down :( I still wanna get better but right now I'm digging my own grave - why can't anyone help me!!?
Came home from a two week vacation on Sunday (one week at Hemsedal (skiing with the girls) and one week one a class tour in Berlin), it's been great except of course my eating. It's been a lot of crappy food which again takes me to the toilette, and now that I'm back home it just continues :(
Anyways right before I left I asked Rolf for help, he was gonna tell my mom and search for professional help..but the night before I left I told him not to tell my mom, but just search for the professional help.. Then he called me Sunday afternoon, asking me if I wanted to go to Mathias's house for some poker..and that he haden't searched any. Inside of me I already knew this (because I haden't heard anything and because I know him that well) but it made me so upset.. So when we got back to his place I started crying (as I've been doing to much around him lately) and told him what I felt about his behavior. But he didn't make it better when he kept saying (as again he did a lot before) "but this is taking so much time..I don't have anything to say..I'm so tired..ect" I understand he is tired of this shit, and I don't like bothering him with it either but still he is the only one I feel I can talk to - well at least ask for help and then start talking to someone else.. I hate it even more!!!!!
Then on Monday I skipped school went to Rolf and slept there the whole day, then he came home - we ate some dinner, had sex and slept even more - but before I fell asleep I started to cry again, kinda out of nowhere, but because of everything!!
YOU ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG AND I SMILED AND SAID "NOTHING" THEN I TURNED AROUND AND WHISPERED "EVERYTHING"
Well today I've been at Ingrid's house, just hanging out..and of course talking about Alex and Rolf - and as the emotionally girl I've become I got so freaking sad.. At some moments I miss him so much, I just wanna be with him..I love him - but then I come to my senses again..but still it's hard.. He is the only one who really know me that well (and about the mia).
The eating habits of the day have been terrible - b/p several times :(
Current Mood: sad
February 17th, 2005
FUCK FUCK FUCK I hate my fucking ED - am I ever gonna get rid of it??! Yesterday the whole school went skiing/snowboarding, I didn't take hotdogs or any other crap to binge on with me, just the usual slice of bread I eat for lunch everyday, but what did I end up doing?? = BINGE!! And then I went to the handicap toilett and purged. But the strange thing was that the girl I front of me (she didn't know I was waiting) used ages and as I was standig there waiting outside I heard her purge. When she came out she looked just the way I feel I look after I've purged *just weird* Anyways I didn't get up too much -angry- then the day was ruined (in my head) so I bought ice cream, then ate some more bread before work (not hungry). Then after work I met Rolf, he told me about the K(!!!!), I got upset! We bought food and snacks and I had another binge - without purging!!! Slept there, why hwy why can't we stop seeing eachother - one the one side I don't care cuz we are having it great right now - but I don't wanna end up being hurt (don't take me wrong, don't wanna hurt him eiher)
Then this day started off good - had to buy breakfast (that always ends in a binge, but not today) Went to Silje, said no when she offered me pizza :) Ate some healthy dinner..but then my parents left the house - I binge on choclate!!! Now I'm waiting for my sister to leave the bathroom so I can purge!! So fucking angry at myself! Why the hell am I doing this over and over again! I tell myself everyday "this is the very last binge" Ahhh so tired of this shit!!! :( :( :( (my sister is done taking a shower - my turn..)
Current Mood: angry
February 14th, 2005
Grrr Silje just called and asked what was wrong since I didn't come to the test - and I started crying on the phone *fuck fuck fuck* but I told her I could tell her later that I was on my way to die my hair ect.. God I regret what I just wrote - I don't wanna talk to her -blah-
Current Mood: morose
My life is been really weird lately -dunno how to explain it- but yesterday something rare happened; after being pretty hung-over all day, I went to Julie, just to chill, then I came back home and I started to read old LJ entries - I got so fucking sad, I couldn't stop crying. Then I called Rolf and asked if I could come over and talk to him for a while (it was already midnight - and I was suppose to have a stupid norwegian final today *which a dropped*). I went to talk to Rolf about what ruined things between us!! But it felt so good - he just listened to what I had to say, held his arms around me and just telling me that every thing is gonna be okay and that I have to be strong. I'm still glad it's over between us and that we are being so good friends (and of course fucking friends) :)
My problem right now is what to say to my friends why I wasn't at the test -dammit-, soo tired of lying to the people I love. Even if the know about my ed I can't make my self talk to them about it, not even when they ask. But I'm planning on talking to my best friend about the ed today (telling her that I went to Rolf, how the last month have been, the reason I've skipped so many classes, can't concentrate, b/p, etc)
Well I've had a good day so far, now I'm gonna take a bath, die my hair and relax :) I'm positive again (compared to last night)..
Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: mtv
February 13th, 2005
grrr I copied wrong..